Unspoken Resilience

Puzzle pieces, scattered and broken,
Her mind is like a puzzle left unspoken.

Fifty as a child. A hundred as a tween. 

Two hundred as an adult, it seems now to be! 

Her brain struggles, a routine no one can see.

Her pain I can feel, anchors my heart to hers. 

Wash, rinse, repeat...the same old song we sing. 

Yet her coy smile pushes my patience to do its thing. 

Though her mind is a haze, 

Her voice is now loud, her spirit ablaze.

A fighter, a warrior, one day at a time. 

Her strength I'd love to share, with all sometime! 

Puzzle pieces, scattered and broken, 

But her spirit remains forever outspoken. 

Her will to push on, her strength to fight, 

A beacon of hope in the darkest of night.

-Her mom

Just Be...

Move forward one step at a time.

Don't think back to past memories.

They'll make you smile or make you cry.

Look around and just be.

Just be here in His presence.

Think about all the people you love...cherish them.

Think about all the people you loathe...pray for them.

Move forward one step at a time.

Don't look back at the hill you've just walked.

Don't look ahead at the mountain you've yet to climb.

Look around and just be.

Just be here in His presence.

Look around at all that's beautiful...be thankful.

Look around at all that's ugly...fix it.

Move forward one step at a time.

Feelings from the past contradict happy and sad.

Feelings in the future look bright but may disappoint. 

Look around and just be.

Enjoy this moment here and now!

Just be here with the One that made all of YOU!

Just be here with the One that wants all of YOU!

Just be here with the One that loves all of YOU!

Your Father, your King, your Savior... Jesus Christ!

When you're weak and look to the past or future,

Just call on Him to help you... Just be.

- Brandalyn Wenzel 

Grammarly

Combing through and editing 21 years of blog posts takes time! It would have been nice to have an editor from the beginning. I have a love-hate relationship with technology. Google has corrected my spelling for so long I no longer even try. Blogging is a quick way to jot and capture memories with thoughts and pictures. Now I have this golden tool!

I miss my yesterdays!

I stumbled upon this poem that I haven't read for years. So I put this picture behind my written words. God is once again telling me to enjoy this time I'm in right NOW.

My love affair

During the day I struggle to keep my head above water. A constant treading while I monologue inside my head. I pour it out at night, releasing it all to my beloved blank page. My love is not impatient and does not judge. Patiently awaiting the thoughts my mouth held tight.

Recently, I received a nomination for a blogging award on my anonymous blog. I feel very touched and honored that I've been nominated! Unfortunately, I haven't felt much like writing lately. Writer's block, perhaps. Or maybe it's simply because of the subject matter at hand. Each post I write takes a lot of insight and reflection, and I am praying for the courage and helpful insight to keep my blog going.

Loss for words

Pic: http://rkvc.net/tag/inner-thoughts/

I am constantly writing in my head. Thoughts flow, get interrupted, and are lost forever. I have so much I need to release, yet stay locked inside. It eats at me, devouring pieces I'll never get to see. My feelings needful to bleed onto paper, hemorrhage inside. Little by little I lose myself.

Fear

Today's challenge: Grab the nearest book (randomly picked this book from the shelf in my living room) "The Purpose Driven Life" and flip to page 29. Write about the first word.

FEAR  

I actually had a post in my drafts folder that I started sometime ago.  Ramblings that coincides with this word - WORRY. 

Being a worry wort isn't just a burden, however it would be nice to be able to just turn off one's brain.

 "Ignorance is bliss."

But having a mind that is constantly wanting to figure out future events, shows the ability to examine things from many angles, and look at the big picture. These worry wort's are the people that change the world. We are not idle thinkers, whether we want to or not, our brains are constantly exercising. 

The Suicide’s Soliloquy is an unsigned poem, thought to be written by Abraham Lincoln, first published on August 25, 1838

This stanza paints the picture of the burden, but also shows the artistic ability an overactive mind can have.

To ease me of this power to think,

      That through my bosom raves,

I'll headlong leap from hell's high brink

      And wallow in its waves.

The problem I have that I share with many other worriers, is when I get lost in the cycle of worry it can turn into fear. Fear puts a kink in your thinking shutting down the analytic and rational left brain. 

Although FDR is most famous for this quote, the bible states many times how fear can overtake one's life. I pray for peace from worrying and fear life throws us. I don't have the personality to live my life blind-fully bliss, my scatterbrain searches out the many "why's" encountered, not only in my crazy life, but the the world as a whole. But by putting my trust in God, knowing his plan has our souls best interest at heart, eases my fears and worries. God gave me this mind, let me put it to good use. To stop my own cycle of worry, and shine a light in fearful hearts.

Under the Bridge

A place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest, remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself, shapes it, renders it, loves it so radically that he remakes it in his own image.

– Joan Didion

I cannot visualize my memories very well, but I do remember the feelings they invoked. The solitude and peace I felt under that bridge. The reprieve from my exhausting efforts to fit in. A place I shared only with true friends.

As a kid there aren't many places you can go to just be. However each time my life was turned upside down by a move, the first thing I'd do was find a place to call my own. Atop of a cinder block wall, an abandoned fort, atop of a parking garage, but my absolute favorite was under a bridge.

Retreating everyday to my spot, I'd climb the hill up to the top where there was just enough room for a small person like me to stand. I loved when there was a lull of cars atop, then suddenly you could hear and feel the thunder above. I used to think if there was an earthquake I'd be the first to go, but at that time I didn't care. I'd sit and wait for my friend to arrive, she knew where I'd be. It was cold and dim, a prefect place to sit and sulk a while. My mind free to wander and ponder life's deep meaning. Throwing a rock watching it tumble down the hill, I'd think of my space and time. Why I was there in that moment, what impact my self had on the world. Wakened from my somber solitude, I'd hear her bubbly presence, laughing as she'd run up the hill with confidence and style. We'd spend hours complaining and laughing about our day at different schools. More teens would sometimes show up to find out what mischief was in store. We were misfit toys, the after school breakfast club, there to add colorful injustice quotes marking the cement walls. We knew our place in the world, it was there under that bridge.




Carl von Clausewitz

Sam - "Can you give me a dream?" - Time machine

Titanic Rescue

Grabbing the mail like we do every morning, you didn't expect a letter with your name on it. The letter simply had The Justice League emblem and a handwritten: "You have the decision to make."
Once at the park, you waited until I was enjoying my book and slipped away. Remembering how just a few months ago you were asked to join the League, you once again found the secret door. All members of the Justice League were sitting around the big round table. Everyone's attention was on a big box in the center of the room.
Superman spoke up. "Sam we created a time machine, but we could not agree on where or when to try it out." "The decision we need you to make... What point in history do you want to go back to to save people?"
Superman flew up trying to get the captain's attention, the iceberg was approaching at lightning speed. Flash tried treading water to slow the ship. Green Lantern blasted a beam of light at the solid iceberg but it was too late the ship crashed right into it. The sound of metal ripping deafened us all.
Superman tried over and over, diving down to the large gash in an attempt to fix it. You Sam, tried calming all the people on board, telling them the League was there to save them. But the ship was quickly sinking and all of their efforts were in vain... the ocean was just too powerful. Fear for everyone on board started to sink into your gut.
The ship broke in half and began to sink, history was not bending to their will. The Justice League tried their hardest to save as many people as they could. You looked over and saw the time machine slide off the deck and splash into the water. Bobbing up and down, you knew it would soon begin to sink.
Once again you had to make a tough decision. Stay and save just a few and be stuck here forever, or go back to the present and save many. You called out to the Justice League to get into the time machine before it was too late. Superman, Hulk, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Flash, Batman, there is no time to waste we have to GO!
Once home Superman spoke up...
"There is no way to change the past." "We have to focus on the here and now!" When we focus our efforts on the past we take away ourselves from the present."

Why I blog?

Those that know me well noticed I haven't blogged in a long time and know why. For those that don't, I'll clue you in. When I'm busy, stressed or down I tend to keep everything in. But then I get sick of the insistent chatter in my mind and crave this outlet.

I don't have friends that I open up to. I share with my husband, my mom and my therapist. Friends never seem to work out for me. I have lots of surface friends which are great to call upon if I need them or they need me. But have yet to find someone to have a that "BFF" relationship with. It's understandable though, those relationships are hard to come by. Someone you can be yourself around and trust. I don't like parties, clubs, shopping, and "girls night out." I'm more of a "lets get coffee and chat, or go see a movie together" kind of friend (not very exciting).

Back to my rambling regarding my blog. I love writing and creating to explain what I make sense of this life. There's so much more to life than just what's on the surface. I'm more than just a mom, but that duty I take very seriously. If / when my kids read my blog I want them to see more than just "mom" stuff. I want them to see someone who is not afraid to be themselves! Not just see a blog that showcases highlights and hides the rest (they'll get enough of that from Facebook). I am who I am, not just.."I am my kids' mom." They know I'm not perfect (LOL), someday they may actually relate to some of my joys and trials.

I think a lot, A LOT! Evaluating thoughts and feelings of everyone around me all the time. With my family, it's like a chess game to keep everyone happy. Having 4  kids w/ 4 very different personalities it is a very difficult game to play. Even though I am very good at understanding and predicting what's going on w/ my kids, I can't always control outcomes (hence is life).

As for myself, I am horrible at understanding my feelings and actions. However, when I sit and write things become clear. I can then see myself from many angles based on my audience, and then all of a sudden I can hear what advice or point of view they would have.  Also, it helps putting words out there, getting things off my packed mind. Obviously I don't post everything I write, as I don't want to scare, bore, or embarrass myself or others.

Writing is telepathy*! Simple as that. No, you can not read what someone is thinking, but rather paint the picture in their head, hence you now know what they are seeing. How cool is that! Problem with crafting poems, stories, and blog posts on my feelings, is it's impossible (although I try my best) to paint a clear enough picture. There are too many spots for my readers to fill in their own blanks. And since they don't know me well enough, the picture they often get is WRONG! :( But I'll continue on anyways, because I'm learning not to care what others think of me and to just be myself! Those that really understand who I really am, I hold dear.

So love me or hate me... If your reading this, I'm on your mind!

Know I am human and make mistakes.
Know I am Christian and am forgiven.
Know I am my kids' mom, no one love them like I do.
Know I am a perfectionist, who does not settle.
Know I am smart, love researching and expanding my interests.
Know I like solitude, but miss you when I'm gone.
Know I am social, but don't like superficial nonsense.
Know I am not scatterbrained, just lack paying attention to details.
Know I am open minded, but am difficult to change my mind.
Know I am warm hearted, not sensitive and fragile.
Know I am petite, but strong willed.
Know I love who I am!

*Stephen King - What Writing Is  http://user101.tccc.cc.nc.us/Swood/111/KingonWriting.htm

I give

I lay down with her in my arms

Let my hair down to for her to grasp and pull

She pulls, and twines, and takes

I give and give and give.. for I have so much to give

love to give my love, my strengths, my everything, yes even my hair if you wish

Without sharing my gifts, I feel I am nothing

Who am I, if not for someone to share it with

SAM - "Can you give me a dream?"

Self Confidence

It was your first day of kindergarten, and you woke up nervous to start the day. Without a fuss, you dressed in your favorite outfit and combed your hair to look so handsome. With your favorite boots to match! 

Once at school, I introduced you to your teacher, who helped you start the craft all the kids were working on. You colored your name tag, which had "SAMUEL" written on it, and decorated it to your liking.

At recess, the teacher called all the kids from class over to have a race. You had always dreamed of being in an actual race, but today you were terrified. Horrible thoughts stirred in your mind, butterflies fluttered in your tummy...What if I fall, what if I look silly, what if I lose? Letting those mean thoughts overrule your desire to race, you asked the teacher if you could go to the bathroom. Behind a bathroom stall, you hid deciding you would wait until the race was over. Just then the door swung open Flash Gordon skidded to a stop.

Flash -  "Dude I heard there is a race about to start! Why in the world are you in here instead of at the starting line?"

Sam - "I'm too scared to run!" "What if I fall, what if I look silly, what if I lose?" "Besides, I'm not very fast in these cowboy boots!"

Flash - "Wow those are the coolest boots I've ever seen!" "Hey, I have an awesome plan!" "How about you let me wear your boots while I sit back and watch the race, and you can wear my shoes!?" "They are super fast, You're sure to win!"

Sam - "Really, you'd do that for me?"

Flash - "Sure would little dude."

You hurried and switched shoes with Flash before heading to the starting line. Once there, all the other kids OOOWED and AHHHED over your cool red and yellow racing shoes. Your teacher held up her scarf.."On your mark, get set, go!" With the wave of her scarf, you and your classmates took off in a flash.

You ran as fast as you could! Everything around you seemed to blur by. You crossed the finish line first with an enormous smile on your face. There was clapping from the sidelines where Flash was watching and cheering. The other kids soon crossed the line, cheering for you as well. Then the little blonde girl from your class walked over and congratulated you. "Great job, Sam! You were amazing! I like your shoes, but I liked your cowboy boots better!"

Hearing that you decided it was time to switch back to your beloved boots. You walked over to Flash who was polishing the boots with his sleeve.

Sam - "Thanks for letting me borrow your race shoes." You sat down to take the race shoes off.

Flash - "Bummer dude, I was really starting to get attached to these boots." He then took them off and exchanged them for his racing shoes.

Sam - "Ah, now my feet feel so much better," you thought to yourself while admiring your boots.

Spiders keeping Dad up at night

Apparently, it's too hot outside for the neighborhood spiders. Every night Dane gets woken up by the kids needing Daddy to take care of a friendly spider. I say "Take care" because Maddy wants him to re-home the spiders outside and Christian wants them executed. 3 spiders kept Dane up last night. In the dead of sleep, he was woken first by Maddy...

Whisper..."Daaad, Daaad." Poke, poke. Louder... "Dad!"
Not again, sigh. "What Maddy"
"There's a spider in the bathroom."
At this point Dane had just fallen asleep, it was about 2 am. Stumbling into the bathroom, he grabbed some tp.
"No.. don't kill it!"
"Then why did you wake me up?"
"Take him outside." She crouched down examining the little guy. "I think he's scared."
"How am I supposed to get him outside." The spider was about the size of a grain of rice.
"I don't know, can't you just put him in your hand."
"Maddy I'm either gonna squish it or I'm going back to bed" He grabbed his cowboy boot and pounded the little guy into the floor. "Problem solved, good night."

Half hour later

Christian comes out of his room. "Dad, Dad!"
Seriously! "What?"
"There's a HUGE spider on my TV! Seriously I've never seen a spider this big!"
Opening his eyes trying to focus he sees Christian circling his fingers to the size of a baseball.
Well, that's a spider worth killing. "Show me."
On Christian's TV was a spider about the size of a quarter. "Exaggerate much?" Dane grabbed one of Christian's shoes and missed it! The spiders now scrambling on the floor to get away. "You son of a b****, get back here!"
Christian finds this very amusing and is hysterically laughing. "Get it!"
WACK, WACK, SQUIIISH! "Problem solved, good night."

But no, the big spider must have been a Mama spider. Christian found one more, this one smaller than Maddy's little friend in the bathroom. So small that Dane could barely focus his sleep-deprived eyes on. How my kids can find all these little guys shows you how freaked out they are by these harmless friendly visitors. It was on the ceiling, Dane used his finger to dispatch the little guy. I'm sure it had siblings, so tonight will be another adventure.

post inspired by: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/03/spiders-are-scary-its-okay-to-be-afraid.html

Simul iustus et peccator

We are both sinners and saints  

Luther calls Christians "simultaneously saint and sinner" because he redefines "saint" as a forgiven sinner. We are called saints not because we change into something different but because our relationship with God changes as a result of God's grace. Luther said: "The saints are sinners, too, but they are forgiven and absolved." 

When I look at myself in the mirror, I always see the reflection of a sinner. But when God looks at me, he sees me through Jesus. My sin is covered with Christ's own righteousness. Thanks be to God! 

http://www.thelutheran.org/article/article.cfm?article_id=4210

Repentance

There is about 18 inches between what is in your head and what you feel in your heart. 
To repent you not just think of your sins as wrong and ask forgiveness, you turn away from sin by showing it with your actions. 

Where am I going w/ this.... 
I was not forgiven for committing a sin that I knew I would repeat over and over again. Just like if Sam would push Emma.. then tell me he was sorry, but turn around and push her again. God wouldn't ask us to repent if he also knew we had the ability to turn away from the sin, an ability that he put inside us. The holy spirit gives us the strength to do anything that God commands us to do. 

I now feel fully forgiven, now that I have truly repented. We now have begun to turn away from the sin that was heavy on our hearts, by putting God in the middle. We now know our strengths and weaknesses, and are working on both. For this I am truly grateful. 

Bedtime and Morning Songs

Good Night Baby - Emmalyn's Version

Good night baby it's time to go to sleep, we've turned the page on this day and now it's time to sleep.

Good night, baby, it's faster than it seems, I used to be the baby and my mom sang to me.

Good night, Good night. I hope you have sweet dreams. The world loves little babies, and you're the world to me.

Good night, Good night. I watch you as you sleep. The world loves little babies and you mean the world to me.

Night Night - Wenzel bedtime song. Sang to my babies Christian, Maddy, and Sam.

Night night MaDalyn, night-night MaDelyn, night-night MaDelyn, see you in the morNing.

Ga, Ga, and Grandpa say night-night, Ga-Ga, and Grandpa say night-night, Ga-Ga, and Grandpa say night-night, see you in the morNing.

Night night ChrisTian, night-night ChrisTian, night-night ChrisTian, see you in the morNing.

Mama and Dada say night night, Mama and Dada say night night, Mama and Dada say night night, see you in the morNing.

Night night SaMuel, night night SaMuel, night night SaMuel, see you in the morNing.

Ga, Ga, and Grandpa say night night, Ga-Ga and Grandpa say night night, Ga-Ga, and Grandpa say night night, see you in the morNing.

Would repeat verses changing up the names that would say night night (cousins, aunt, uncles, pets).

Morning Song - With zooming nose touch gesture

Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning to YOU (pointer finger zooms to touch nose), good morning to YOU (pointer finger touches nose again)!

We're all in our places with sun-shining faces. Good morning to YOU (nose)! Good morning to YOU (nose)!

repeat.

My kids always hide their faces so I couldn't find their noses. Silly kids, Mom will find it!

Oh what a glorious day that will be

Please come Jesus, let all the suffering end. My heart you know. My patience always lacks. I can only truly love you, I find splitting my splitting my heart for others hard. So please grant me the patience, for I know you plan is not my own. You will come on your own time, not mine.

Other side of the rainbow

Someone recently told me they'd looked around my blog and my Facebook page, and my life seemed so perfect. Don't worry it wasn't a stalker! Although I didn't confirm she wasn't a robot. ;)

At first I said.. HA, obviously you don't know me very well! But then I thought about it some more.  Even friends and extended family who know me quite well, don't know the same Brandy my family of 6 knows.

Those that look into what I've shown of my life on this blog and FB will only see what I've wanted and felt comfortable sharing. However, lately I've realized I no longer care about what others think of me. I want to post EVERYTHING that I'll want to remember about this life!

You've seen the beautiful pictures of "perfect" birthday parties, sunsets on the beach, my ever enduring love posts (insert gagging sound). Here's my post of the other side of my rainbow (as much as I'll disclose).

I'm sometimes ugly, gross, stupid, ill-tempered, neglectful, ..... SINFUL!


I'm sometimes UGLY... Especially when I'm mad!

I'm sometimes GROSS.. My kids like to point that out.. along with old, replaceable, and other immature things. :)

I'm sometimes STUPID.. aka forgetful, act/say things before I think, fail to consult calendars or Google on important things. Again, my kids love to point this trait out! Never argue with a teen.. they know EEVERRYTHINGG!

I'm sometimes ILL-TEMPERED.. which is a nice way of saying  B*tch!

I'm sometimes NEGLECTFUL... Come on, I'm only one person with 1 set of eyes, 1 set of hands.. and 5 family members! Those outside my family don't get much of my time. Sorry if I "forgot" to call you back! :)

I sometimes occasionally SIN!

Why disclose that? Because I care how others feel! I want others to know I am not perfect, and to not feel bad about their imperfect lives. We've all got our trials, lets lift up one another!

So to all those that read this.. I am human! Facebook and Blogging are all about sharing our lives with one another, and finding connections. Most people don't share the bad and the ugly. And for good reason, who wants to SHARE the bad and the ugly? Who wants to REMEMBER the bad and the ugly? 

I do! 

It's what makes me, me!

Life isn't always "Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows"

My blog consists of happy moments I want to remember. But my life isn't all....

 I WANT to remember and blog about some of life's trials. The trials that make us stronger and bring us closer as a family.
All 6 of us are who we are based on our DNA and our experiences. It's my job as a mom, and Danes' as head of this family, to model good for our kids. We both came into this relationship with good reasons for our hangups. But when it comes to our family we have to put those reasons aside. Fake it till you make it!

It tells me a lot when the hardest things to model are the very things that trouble my kids. Knowing this makes me try all the more.

Change

Dane and I have always resisted change. Now we're modeling to our children that when you HAVE to make a change, to look for the positive. I'm turning the dial around on my pessimist attitude. Anxiety has always plagued my kids. They're turning out to be worry worsts just like me! :(

Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

Calm

This one I own all myself. I tend to get upset when things didn't go smoothly. But now I realize that when I stay relaxed about things, that sense carries over to the rest of the family. It amazed me to realize that my mood effects the whole family. So unless I want my bad mood times 5, I'd  better keep it to myself. This change is evolving rather easy for me. The happier my kids are the happier I am!!!

Perfectionism

Dane, Dane, Dane.. or so I thought. Until I spent time reflecting on myself and my parenting.

Sam helping me clean the bathroom one day -

"How's it look mom, I got the mirror all clean." He had a huge smile on his face, he was proud. Cringing, I saw lots of streaks across the mirror. "It looks great, but we've got to get those streaks out." I re-sprayed the entire mirror and cleaned it again, making sure to get the streaks out.
A week later I asked if he wanted to clean the mirror. "I can't get the streaks out like you." :(

So Dane is working on purposely showing the kids that sometimes it's "ok," to do things just "ok" . And I am learning to let the little things go, streaks and all!

There are many things that we as parents model for our kids. But these 3, need much, much, more attention! It'll make this family much happier and healthier. I will calmly wait for this change to come, and be content to love my kids for who they are... hangup and all!

Dyslexia Shmlexia

I was told in high school that I may be dyslexic. "Great," I thought, "I've got one more year left of school and NOW you tell me this." I've always had a love of creative writing, but from then on I'd put off writing. The few times that I have put words down, I've been embarrassed by how horrible my writing turns out. I want people to read what I've written and be amused, touched, informed, ect. Not frustrated because they can't understand my sentences. 

But I've had so many things I've wanted to say since starting my blog in 2008. So I've decided to stop posting only pictures to persevere my memories, and start adding my thoughts to go with them. Also, to start my quest in become a better writer. 

Here is what I've learned about my writing difficulties. 

Within the field of psycholinguistics, speech errors fall under the category of language production. Types of speech errors include: exchange errors, perseveration, anticipation, shift, substitution, blends, additions, and deletions. The study of speech errors contributes to the establishment/refinement of models of speech production.

Speech errors are made on an occasional basis by all speakers.^[1] They occur more often when speakers are nervous, tired, anxious or intoxicated.  - Wikipedia

Of course there is also the Sigmund Freudian's theory (Freudian slip), where one subconscious inserts the wrong word.

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex... uh... setbacks." -A Freudian slip by President George H.W. Bush

Back to my writing mistakes.. 

Deletion	Deletions or omissions leave some linguistic material out.[1]	Target: unanimity of opinion Error: unamity of opinion

Deletion is my biggest offender.

My best guess to why this occurs along with other writing mistakes, I believe is due to muscle memory. I learned to type very fast in my short career as a 911 dispatcher. In that position I was not afforded the time to proof read, luckily most words I typed were abv (abbreviated).

I can't say for others, but this explanation makes the most sense for me. Example:

I've had this affliction for a long time, possible due to the fact I type so fast and don't slow down to ensure the correct words are used.

"possible" versus "possibly" - They are spelled similar, thus easy to swap. 

The conclusion of my research.. I don't have dyslexia!

I just have to proofread, proofread, and proofread some more! And learn the basics of grammar and punctuation. Keep in mind readers, I went to 7 different schools! I missed a lot of instruction on the basics. Bare with me family, friends, fellow bloggers, my writing skills are improving. 

Meant for only one

Never again!