Spoiled Carly Marie

I shot this pic while pup sitting. At this exact moment, she looked up at Maddy! She's so adorable sunbathing!

Dad's funeral speech, I never said (draft)

Everyone knows my dad at a glance, within the kaleidoscope of memories. I hope to hear more about who my dad was today.

For me, I don't remember much before I was 10—just bits and pieces before he and my mom's divorce. I think I blocked it all out because of the hurt at the time. The next 10 years I spent with my mom and stepfather. Summers, I would come to visit. We always made the trip to Disneyland and my beloved In-N-Out Burger. He'd always complain I ate him out of "house & home"... duh, I was a teenager. Sash would always take me under her wing to hang out and chill.

When my oldest was born, I was extremely proud to introduce his first grandson. I shot a video of him and Christian in our living room, practicing how to crawl. I remember that feeling like it was yesterday!

(Find this video/pics)

Again, 2 years later, he was here to watch Maddy crawl for the first time.

(Ditto)

The most common memory is the greeting at the airport... and the saying goodbye, which honestly makes me the most sad. I know you're supposed to be upbeat about someone's life. But what about telling everyone you care about TODAY..."I love you and you matter to me!"

Feelings at Dads funeral. (draft still working on it)

 I haven't posted since my dads death. I often do this on my blog... retreat, post then retreat again. It's my decision I don't have to write, no one expects me to. Yet.. it pulls me back. I feel a pull to write This pull doesn't connect me to others as I don't allow comments. It's more of a pull to write in a space that others and experience and feel what they feel. I often look back at old family videos and feel an intense love! But those same videos won't feel a inch of love from those who don't have connection to us. BECAUSE we're all becoming disconnected,,  more so now then ever. 

Emma's first choir recital!

Emma started a new school this year. I am so thankful to my parents who are graciously funding her new Christian school!

Healing Tears

My dad's funeral brought out a lot of tears. For me, I couldn't help but realize that we all felt a sense of not just coming together but a feeling of going back to memories present with him, experiencing the same time and space. Divorced family at the age of 10, memories are few, tainted w/ hate, jealousy, and hugs that didn't feel like much.

Celebration of life

 

This was hard day to get through as it was biter sweet. Hard to say goodbye but so thankful for all the memories that family and friends shared of my dad. I have learned so much more about him from others points of views. And as I sit here watching the littles play in the hotel pool, I see that he is in them! Like silly nature of Sam who like my dad liked to live in the future looking for the next adventure or the next BIG fish to catch. 

Goodbye for now. I love you dad!

I got that call, then dropped and folded into myself. It felt like someone was ripping a piece of my heart. I had to protect it, hold my heart inside my body. Ran outside and held onto a chair to keep me from falling to the ground. Then I looked up, pleading for it all to stop...I was not ready! My chest heaved violently, couldn't catch a breath. I felt as though my heart might rip in two. Why was I having such a crippling reaction to my dad's death? I never felt that close to him but that's what I realized, I wanted so much more with him! Always had that pull that needed him! I've had a rough 10 years with kids, marriage, and life in general. He was always so understanding and open to listening. Our relationship had evolved to an understanding that his divorce from my mom was never divorce from me. Of course, it took me having my own trials and tribulations to realize the relationship I could have with my dad depended a lot on me letting go of the past. I know I will see him again! No tears will fill my eyes, just joy, and peace. Until then, I'll keep all the good memories I had of him tucked close to my heart! 

Visit with Grandpa Glen

Grandparents Day at Trinity Lutheran School!

Trinity is an excellent school for my kiddos. Christian's 1st/2nd split class has nine students, and Maddy's Kindergarten class has seven. I appreciate the small class sizes, which allow teachers to give more individual attention.