1/12/2014
I know you see my pain
The pain that's split my head and heart
like antlers grown into my skull
like arms bruising my chest
Don't feel guilty, no need for sympathy
it's not yours to carry
it's not yours to fix
I'll be just fine
Just give me time, all things do pass
look away from my eyes
look away from my faults
Let your twitchy arms rest
no need for Superman
no need to rescue
this damsel's not distressed
Torn pieces of me 8/3/2014
I wish I could stop time. So that I may not be torn and only give pieces to my loves. To be whole for each and every one of you.
For my husband
To give myself fully to you. To hold only you, to comfort only you, to be only with you.
For my beautiful Maddy -
To chase away the boredom. To leave my ear only an empathetic mother can. To chase away the fears, and kill all the spiders.
To my independent Christian -
To keep him busy with the things he loves. To influence him to become the man God wants.
For my little Sam -
To teach and mold him. To quench his thirsty brain. To be the Wonder Woman to his Superman.
For my little Emmalyn -
To protect her fragile feelings. To hold her as she loves to be held. To admire her amazing spirit.
I feel time - I love it, I hate it, I'm confused by it.
I try to hold on to time, gripping it to slow it down, PLEASE!
I try to push time, loathing it for not speeding up, PLEASE!
I often try to let time slip from me, not wanting to be in THIS moment, to freeze, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!
I love the time I have with others, I hate the time I have to myself, and I'm confused by why we are held by time.
I don't interact with many people, so I rarely get asked questions beyond the usual "How's your day going?" or "Is it still hot outside?" Despite this, I always think of others and how they feel, leading me to compliment or ask questions that make people feel seen, more than just being there. I love making people feel special, noticing their talents, and asking about their interests.
I love learning what makes people happy and figuring out how I could love life a little more or see it through their eyes. However, no one ever asks me. Why? Too busy, or is there nothing interesting about me?
To have that give-and-take of letting people in more than skin deep is called friendship. However, friendships never seem to work out for me - Yes, I'm guarded, but that's not the only reason. When I start letting someone in
,
“Hello, goodbye.”
When I do let people in, how then do I protect myself?
Hmm...like this?
Specifically, when people have feelings I don't want to feel - sadness, resentment, self-loathing. I get attached, feeling the need to help, and my feelings get blurred. Then I don't feel myself anymore.
My broken pieces held together
I smile, laugh, and care for others
Feel them slipping from my fingers
then torn from my grasp, falling to the ground
The broken edges of my heart feel jagged and sharp
Can't stand to feel this pain I've caused
I beg of you to take it, but you cannot
I beg of you to give me a new and fresh pain
Cover it, smother it
This new pain hurts much less
Tolerable, measurable, pleasurable
Stop - Fin
You cannot, will not continue
It hurts to serve this pain I ask
The torn jagged pieces
pierce my broken heart once again
No one to cover and smother this pain
I scream and claw trying to rip it out myself
How much more can I endure?
Will the pieces fit back together?
Love heals? Time heals?
I'm I worthy? Am I patient?
My past I cannot and would not erase
My experiences and thoughts make me, Me.
My wounds are deep, and will never heal
Pain is a reminder I pray will soon ease!
My scars left behind I’ll cherish,
They display for me who I was and am now.
Walking forward, the past slips away
Each minute passes the pain slowly fades.
Memories both good and bad conflict my head.
Words left unsaid haunt and torment to no end.
Within that time I experienced what makes me, Me.
No longer unaware, confused, or afraid!
My pieces back together, broken no more.
I walk forward and dare not look back.
Strong, and ready to be who I have to be.
For I found out who I am, and what makes me Me.
Storm raging all around, waves crashing into your life.
Jesus calm at peace.
We cry out, save us, don't you care?
Jesus lifts his hands and stills the wind, waves, and sky.
Is your faith so weak that you fear the storm?
Please come, Jesus, let all the suffering end. My heart you know. My patience always lacking. I can only truly love you, I find splitting my heart for others hard. So please grant me the patience, for I know your plan is not my own. You will come on your own time, not mine.
Downfalls 7/13/2014
I care too deeply and hurt immensely.
I'm blind to faults and see only good.
I love indiscriminately, yet don't accept I’m lovable.
I forgive, yet don't accept forgiveness.
I need to be understood, yet not understand myself.
I feel others' emotions, yet hide my feelings.
Lost in this world, I want to improve, yet know not how.
I have a love of words, but they will never mean enough.
Just Be 7/13/2014
Just be here in His presence.
Look around at all that's beautiful, be thankful.
Look around at all that's ugly, fix them.
Relax and sit, look around, release a breath, and just be!
Move forward one step at a time.
Feelings from the past contradict sadness to happiness.
Feelings in the future look bright but may disappoint.
Look around, take a breath, and just be!
Turning it off, it hurts too bad. Sick of feeling, becoming numb, weak.
An anchor's weight, a force below,
The sunny surface is just a distant glow.
Sinking down, I held tight to my breath,
Seeking, reaching for something to grasp.
Feelings weigh me down, Feelings not my own,
Thrashing, panic begins to sowe.
A hand reaches towards me in that abyss,
I reach out; my anchor slips my grip.
Feelings weigh me down, feelings not my own,
The sting of crip air is newly blown.
Coughing, gagging, I breathe anew,
But panic returns, and back I pursue.
I dive in, the anchor clung to my chest,
Feelings weigh me down, Feelings not my own.
Once again, the struggle persists,
Yet in this cycle, hope must exist!
Someone recently told me they'd looked around my blog and my Facebook page, and my life seemed so perfect. Don't worry it wasn't a stalker! Although I didn't confirm she wasn't a robot. ;)
At first, I said...HA, obviously you don't know me very well! But then I thought about it some more. Even friends and extended family who know me quite well, don't know the same Brandy my family of 6 knows.
Those who look into what I've shown of my life on this blog and FB will only see what I've wanted and feel comfortable sharing. However, lately, I've realized I no longer care about what others think of me. I want to post EVERYTHING that I'll want to remember about this life!
You've seen the beautiful pictures of "perfect" birthday parties, sunsets on the beach, and my ever-enduring love posts (insert gagging sound). Here's my post on the other side of my rainbow (as much as I'll disclose).
I'm sometimes ugly, gross, stupid, ill-tempered, neglectful, SINFUL!
I'm sometimes UGLY... Especially when I'm mad!
I'm sometimes GROSS... My kids like to point that out.. along with old, replaceable, and other immature things. :)
I'm sometimes STUPID.. aka forgetful, act/say things before I think, fail to consult calendars or Google on important things. Again, my kids love to point this trait out! Never argue with a teen.. they know EVERYTHING!
I'm sometimes ILL-TEMPERED.. which is a nice way of saying B*tch!
I'm sometimes NEGLECTFUL... Come on, I'm only one person with 1 set of eyes, 1 set of hands.. and 5 family members! Those outside my family don't get much of my time. Sorry if I "forgot" to call you back! :)
I
Why disclose that? Because I care how others feel! I want others to know I am not perfect, and to not feel bad about their imperfect lives. We've all got our trials, let's lift up one another!
I do!
Being a SAHM can be very lonely. Especially when you want to have an adult conversation or see a "grown-up" movie. But making friends and keeping them requires time, my precious, precious time.
I am blessed with an amazing extended family. But that was my only circle, and when faced with difficult times I realized how different we all were. So the years of neglecting old friends and not making new ones caught up to me. I felt very alone during a time when I needed support and love. Family will always put family first, but that doesn't exactly mean we're BFFs.
Since I started my journey of reconnecting with old friends and making myself more available to new ones, I've been lifted up and have lifted up others. What an amazing feeling, it feels good to be there for others! We all have our trials and joys that we want to share with our FRIENDS.
All 6 of us are who we are based on our DNA and our experiences. It's my job as a mom, and Danes' as head of this family, to model good for our kids. We both came into this relationship with good reasons for our hangups. But when it comes to our family we have to put those reasons aside. Fake it till you make it!
It tells me a lot when the hardest things to model are the very things that trouble my kids. Knowing this makes me try all the more.
Change
Dane and I have always resisted change. Now we're modeling to our children that when you HAVE to make a change, to look for the positive. I'm turning the dial around on my pessimist attitude. Anxiety has always plagued my kids. They're turning out to be worry worse just like me! :(
Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
Calm
This one I own all myself. I tend to get upset when things don't go smoothly. But now I realize that when I stay relaxed about things, that sense carries over to the rest of the family. It amazed me to realize that my mood affects the whole family. So unless I want my bad mood times 5, I'd better keep it to myself. This change is evolving rather easily for me. The happier my kids are the happier I am!!!
Perfectionism
Dane, Dane, Dane.. or so I thought. Until I spent time reflecting on myself and my parenting.
Sam helping me clean the bathroom one day -
"How's it look mom, I got the mirror all clean." He had a huge smile on his face, he was proud. Cringing, I saw lots of streaks across the mirror. "It looks great, but we've got to get those streaks out." I re-sprayed the entire mirror and cleaned it again, making sure to get the streaks out.
A week later I asked if he wanted to clean the mirror. "I can't get the streaks out like you." :(
So Dane is working on purposely showing the kids that sometimes it's "ok," to do things just "ok" . And I am learning to let the little things go, streaks and all!
There are many things that we as parents model for our kids. But these 3, need much, much, more attention! It'll make this family much happier and healthier. I will calmly wait for this change to come, and be content to love my kids for who they are... hangup and all!
I was told in high school that I may be dyslexic. "Great," I thought, "I've got one more year left of school and NOW you tell me this." I've always had a love of creative writing, but from then on I'd put off writing. The few times that I have put words down, I've been embarrassed by how horrible my writing turns out. I want people to read what I've written and be amused, touched, informed, ect. Not frustrated because they can't understand my sentences.
| Deletion | Deletions or omissions leave some linguistic material out.[1] | Target: unanimity of opinion Error: unamity of opinion |
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Fall and winter seasonal affective disorder (winter depression)
Hopelessness
Anxiety
Loss of energy
Heavy, "leaden" feeling in the arms or legs
Social withdrawal
Oversleeping
Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates
Weight gain
Difficulty concentrating
- Your biological clock (circadian rhythm). The reduced level of sunlight in fall and winter may disrupt your body's internal clock, which lets you know when you should sleep or be awake. This disruption of your circadian rhythm may lead to feelings of depression.
- Serotonin levels. A drop in serotonin, a brain chemical (neurotransmitter) that affects mood, might play a role in seasonal affective disorder. Reduced sunlight can cause a drop in serotonin which may trigger depression.
- Melatonin levels. The change in season can disrupt the balance of the natural hormone melatonin, which plays a role in sleep patterns and mood.
Soon Sam will no longer be afraid of the dark. We're playing a new game at night. A very important game because soon he will be sleeping in his own bed, just like his siblings.
10 signs you're not getting enough SLEEP - 4/3/2014
#10) Inability to Handle Stress.
I've always thought of myself as a patient parent. I am, for the most part. With days and days on end with very little sleep, my kids will tell you I tolerate very little. The idea of going to the grocery store with kids in tow seems an impossible task.
#9) Poor Memory.
Check! Forgetting my keys everywhere can't only be attributed to being an introvert whose brain is constantly churning. Half the time, it's just because I'm just too sleep-deprived. Lost keys, forgetting diaper bag, missing appointments, did I brush my teeth? I've now started counting kids before I leave the grocery store. YES! No one's left behind!
#8) Inability to Concentrate.
While writing, I keep getting distracted by all the cute baby pictures I've been searching through. They were SO cute and still are.
#7) Increased Appetite
I've always thought of myself as a patient parent. I am, for the most part. With days and days on end with very little sleep, my kids will tell you I tolerate very little. The idea of going to the grocery store with kids in tow seems an impossible task.
#9) Poor Memory.
Check! Forgetting my keys everywhere can't only be attributed to being an introvert whose brain is constantly churning. Half the time, it's just because I'm just too sleep-deprived. Lost keys, forgetting diaper bag, missing appointments, did I brush my teeth? I've now started counting kids before I leave the grocery store. YES! No one's left behind!
#8) Inability to Concentrate.
While writing, I keep getting distracted by all the cute baby pictures I've been searching through. They were SO cute and still are.
#7) Increased Appetite
No check on this one. Stress is keeping that one at bay! It's important to have a healthy balance right?
Lack of Sleep
+ Stress
= Healthy Appetite
#6) Vision Problems.
I swear I just saw this.
#5) Poor Decision-making.
I keep staying up at night after the little ones go to sleep to enjoy my grown-up alone time. I made that bad decision again last night! YAWN!
#4) Diminished Motor Skills.
I'm usually excellent at typing. However, this is taking forever to pluck through!
#3) Relationship troubles.
Hmm... I think this one stems from research done regarding the lack of sleep resulting in resentment.
#2) Medical Problems
HA! Moms aren't allowed to get sick! How did it feel when we all got the flu a few months back?
#1) Mood Swings.
I'm not the only one in this house who needs sleep. It's so much fun around here! WHEEE!
Now I’m looking over at my angelic daughter napping next to me. I
I feel a bit sleepy. Nope, she’ll be up soon.
Thank you, WebMD for informing me of all the signs to look for. In my next life, I should get the option of being a cat that sleeps all day, or an adorable sloth!
No check on this one. Stress is keeping that one at bay! It's important to have a healthy balance right?
Lack of Sleep
+ Stress
= Healthy Appetite
#6) Vision Problems.
I swear I just saw this.
#5) Poor Decision-making.
I keep staying up at night after the little ones go to sleep to enjoy my grown-up alone time. I made that bad decision again last night! YAWN!
#4) Diminished Motor Skills.
I'm usually excellent at typing. However, this is taking forever to pluck through!
#3) Relationship troubles.
Hmmm. I think this one stems from research done regarding the lack of sleep resulting in resentment.
#2) Medical Problems
HA! Moms aren't allowed to get sick! How did it feel when we all got the flu a few months back?
#1) Mood Swings.
I'm not the only one in this house who needs sleep. It's so much fun around here! WHEEE!
Now I’m looking over at my angelic daughter napping next to me. I
I feel a bit sleepy. Nope, she’ll be up soon. Feeling a little bit...
Thank you, WebMD for informing me of all the signs to look for. In my next life, I should get the option of being a cat that sleeps all day, or an adorable sloth!
Two kids go to bed early and rise at the crack of dawn, and the other two are responsible for getting themselves to bed. If bedtimes and early risers were my only enemies, I wouldn't be writing this in my sleep-deprived state. I'm also the go-to parent when it comes to middle-of-the-night crises.
Growing up is hard enough without parents making the mistake of hindering that growth. I love my kids and would never intentionally do that. But I have been made aware that in some cases, I was doing just that.
Emmalyn is going through the "I want only Mommy" phase. Where she would once go happily to Grandma and Dane, and now hesitated. Lately, she required time to warm up. So as to not upset Emmalyn I would let her do just that. But the time it took to warm up was becoming longer and longer.
One morning I had just woken up with Emma, and needed to pee. I had carried her downstairs and asked Dane to take her so I could go to the bathroom. As I went to hand her over, she clanged to me and whined. Dane insisted she'd be fine, but I didn't want her to cry for me while gone so I took her with me. At that moment while sitting on my throne with Emma on my lap I realized what I was doing. I was damaging the relationship she had with her father. The same relationship where she would gladly go to daddy every Saturday morning, to let mommy get some much-needed sleep in time with Sam. Dane's a great father! He knows how to make our kids comfortable and happy. In fact, he's the clown in our home. He's quickly fixed the gap between him and Emma.
Next, I'd like to share some insight Maddy has given me. One night while getting Sam and Emma ready for bed with me (yes they still bed share with me), she asked me when I was going to get them sleeping in their own beds. Advising me (yes my 10-year-old) that they would never be able to get to sleep on their own if they didn't learn soon. Those of you who know what she is going through now, know how much meaning that statement meant!
HMM.. any thoughts on how to get Sam and Emmalyn to start comforting themselves without my hair. I really hate the hair-pulling! OUCH. Yes, it is loving to put your kids' needs above your own, but I believe it's blind love to not differentiate between wants and needs. What they need is to be able to comfort their selves without mommy, I can't always be there.
So there you have it. I own the mistakes I've made from being so incredibly blinded with love for my children. Let me now start parenting with a loving heart AND open eyes!
When I was surprised pregnant with baby #4 growing inside of me, fear was my first emotion. There were so many (trivial) things for me to fear. The fact that our house was already bursting at the seams, along with our finances. The feeling that I wasn't giving the 3 kids I already had enough attention and constancy. And the fact that postpartum depression was going to plague me again.
So here we were about to add another baby to the chaos. But after I told Dane the news, his overwhelming excitement got me to not only embrace this gift from God but to also dream up of all the things I felt I could do differently with this baby. Things that I never got to do with my other kids. With Christian and Maddy born 2 years apart, I was mainly in survival mode for the first couple of years. In those years I wished I would have taken more pictures and videos. I also wished I would have relaxed and enjoyed the baby years, instead of always looking forward to the next milestone.
Then with Samuel, I was all set to enjoy his new-ness camera and camcorder at the ready. Oh, and all those adorable cloth diapers I was excited to try out! But the beauty and excitement of his newness were trumped by his need for medical attention due to his failure to thrive. I tried so hard that first month to get him to grow. We went to doctor appointments and lactation consultants, sometimes 2-3 times a week. It broke my heart when he was admitted to the hospital and doctors put an ng tube down his throat, forever taking away the bond of breastfeeding. Weaning him abruptly spun me into a severe depression.
Now I was looking forward to having another breastfeeding bond with this baby. I know a lot of people don't get why breastfeeding is so important to some women. I can only try to explain why it was so important to me. Yes, we all know breast is best, however, this was not my main reason. I took pride and comfort in knowing I provided her with food. And it kept the baby hoarders at bay, for newborns eat every hour or two.:)
But those reasons became selfish when it came to baby Emmalyn. Tests proved she was allergic to cow's milk protein. And I actually made her go through some pretty horrible tummy pains, diarrhea, and no weight gain there for a while. The easy thing would have been to quit breastfeeding and do all hypoallergenic formulas. But my thoughts were if I could eliminate dairy (not an easy task), I could get her over that hurdle and we would get to have those magical moments of blissful breastfeeding!
I remember having those magical moments when Christian and Madelyn were babies. When my breasts were what got them to sleep at night, or calmed them down after a boo-boo. Also, those precious moments when they'd look up at you and stare into your eyes like they were reading your soul, and they smiled at what they saw! And moments when no one else could comfort them like I could. Someone would scoop them up after they fell and they'd cry out to me. We'd go in a back room to snuggle, and my magic boobies made everything better :)
However, even after I eliminated all dairy from my diet our breastfeeding challenges were still not over. I struggled week after week building up a milk supply that would never satisfy her. I'm not sure if it was getting my tubes tied, or maybe from being so old ;). I suspect it was from supplementing so much under doctor's orders to get her weight up. Whatever the problem was, I tried everything to fix it! Extra pumping, supplements, we even took a nursing vacation (just the two of us in bed)! That was fun! But in the end, I had to come to the realization that I couldn't keep this up forever. Also, Emmalyn loved to be cradled and breastfed but was not enjoying having only snacks never a full belly.
So I've started the process of letting nature take its course and allowing my milk supply to dry up. Emmalyn mostly receives bottles, but every night I'll have enough breast milk to let her feed a bit from me. Those times are so bittersweet! She gets so excited when I cradle her head or lay her down. She shakes and whines with excitement. Her tiny hand reaches up and clenches over and over again at my chest. Makes the sweetest satisfying noises as she breathes in and out. Almost instantly when the milk runs out she falls asleep. I then watch her sleep, as I know I only have a handful of these moments left.
I'm trying my hardest not to fall into a depression like I did with Samuel. But this is a bond that is so hard for me to let go of. Samuel ended up bonding with me in another way.. my hair ;) I'm sure we too will have a rainbow at the end of this all. * Update we call Miss Emma our rainbow as she truly has been a blessing from God.
