Someday they'll fly!

 

This depression is hurting my eyes! 

Thankful two of my kiddos are doing well. 

spoon therory

On this day Christian ran out of spoons 😔. Had to stop and retreat...but he then apologized the next day and he got back on the horse again with college essays. I am extremely proud of my boy...I mean manchild 🤗 You try doing 2 essays a day with one arm tied behind your back!! The OCD monster is a B*TCH. 

Spoon theory - Wikipedia

Our next family member! I hope!!

 

God's perfect plan. We met this little boy last night. The lady who met with us said that she was once assaulted while showing her puppies, so she now meets in public places. What is wrong with people these days? Back to happy thoughts...Seeing her smile again, that's what everyone's looking forward to!!!

Dad's funeral speech, I never said (draft)

Everyone knows my dad at a glance, within the kaleidoscope of memories. I hope to hear more about who my dad was today.

For me, I don't remember much before I was 10—just bits and pieces before he and my mom's divorce. I think I blocked it all out because of the hurt at the time. The next 10 years I spent with my mom and stepfather. Summers, I would come to visit. We always made the trip to Disneyland and my beloved In-N-Out Burger. He'd always complain I ate him out of "house & home"... duh, I was a teenager. Sash would always take me under her wing to hang out and chill.

When my oldest was born, I was extremely proud to introduce his first grandson. I shot a video of him and Christian in our living room, practicing how to crawl. I remember that feeling like it was yesterday!

(Find this video/pics)

Again, 2 years later, he was here to watch Maddy crawl for the first time.

(Ditto)

The most common memory is the greeting at the airport... and the saying goodbye, which honestly makes me the most sad. I know you're supposed to be upbeat about someone's life. But what about telling everyone you care about TODAY..."I love you and you matter to me!"

Feelings at Dads funeral. (draft still working on it)

 I haven't posted since my dads death. I often do this on my blog... retreat, post then retreat again. It's my decision I don't have to write, no one expects me to. Yet.. it pulls me back. I feel a pull to write This pull doesn't connect me to others as I don't allow comments. It's more of a pull to write in a space that others and experience and feel what they feel. I often look back at old family videos and feel an intense love! But those same videos won't feel a inch of love from those who don't have connection to us. BECAUSE we're all becoming disconnected,,  more so now then ever. 

Christian the graduate... created in Canva!

 

Tomboy no more?

Not me!!! This salon visit cost us about 100 bucks!! 

Christian's food truck lunch order ;) with idk.. either a bunny or a Kahuna sketch. 

Healing

I enjoy blogging yet every time I came to this place I would see my dad's funeral announcement and get stuck. Grief comes in waves that's for sure! But I know my dad wants me to continue this love of mine so I'm doing just that. I miss you dad, we'll be together once again with every tear wiped from our eyes! 

Healing Tears

My dad's funeral brought out a lot of tears. For me, I couldn't help but realize that we all felt a sense of not just coming together but a feeling of going back to memories present with him, experiencing the same time and space. Divorced family at the age of 10, memories are few, tainted w/ hate, jealousy, and hugs that didn't feel like much.

Celebration of life

 

This was hard day to get through as it was biter sweet. Hard to say goodbye but so thankful for all the memories that family and friends shared of my dad. I have learned so much more about him from others points of views. And as I sit here watching the littles play in the hotel pool, I see that he is in them! Like silly nature of Sam who like my dad liked to live in the future looking for the next adventure or the next BIG fish to catch. 

Light at the end of the tunnel

Gradates in the year 2020 and 2021 faced many huddles the past year. Christian on the other hand took the past year in stride. Re-wind a bit .. School always came easy to him a straight A student.  First to memorize times tables in his class, homework done promptly after school, perfect scores, teachers praised. Christian was due to graduate last year class of 2020 with friends and soccer mates glued together. But that road flashed a road block.. OCD.  There was about a two year period where we as a family took detour after detour. There were many tearful days and nights where we had nothing to see the end of the tunnel yet and to hang on tight...God's light was there we just had to have faith! Like the amazing student his is, once we found the correct path, he diligently followed. The way he came to this accomplishment reminds me that the way we reach our goals, is not always the way we envision it to pass. Knowing that God's plan is perfect, gives me peace to know MY greatest gifts to this world are guided by Him. 

Hello darkness my old friend

I come to talk to you again.

I have not blogged about birthdays, my thoughts, and spectacular events (sarcastic here).
I just can't bring myself to do so lately.. INFJ thing? yeah I suppose... the fact that life is so freaking hard currently.. YEAH big time.






until then.. hello darkness my old friend.

Time keeps on slipping...

I think my rebellious teens, my short career as a 911 dispatcher, and constant early/midlife drama at has tainted my taste for this life as a SAHM. I can imagine a life other than what is, and still come back to the reality that I would choose no different. But the fact remains I'm languishing here. I find little joy in house work (other than my OCDP tendencies), don't enjoy constantly arguing with little people, and find little to talk about with my husband about at the end of the day when all is quiet.

I try to keep my head above the fog. Every couple months I binge through a book or two, I recently started exercising with a friend, and then there's always netflix or youtube to fill the gap in time when kids are in bed but the sun rays say it's too early to dream. BUT I'M STILL BORED!!!  SIGH... I don't care much for painful drama, but something needs to change I'm feeling so stagnant! Yes, I know there are lot of ideas and opportunities to do "things", but they all just feel like I'm just filling up time. Time that I have to spend with other people.. ugg! Time that I could be doing.....

K.. I'm done rant over. back to Netflix :(

Back to shoveling snow in my snow storm!

My dream vacation is not Maui or Disneyland (although we are going in -9 days whoo-hoo). No, my dream vacation would be a third world country with a village in need of help. I would love to not only teach our kids the many blessing they have but also humble my own heart. To help others in need would fill a purpose in me that I feel I'm missing in life. I have done little things though out my adult life to help others in need, but always feel I fall flat. I'm either all in or I pull inward to a lazy selfish existence which ends up sucking me down into depression.

Lately I've been utterly depressed! Loathing my life and feeling exhausted. I have been shutting down. Neglecting Facebook (no one cares), no reading (my imagination suffers), no researching (my brain suffers), no blogging (my sanity suffers), no forward parenting (my 4 kids suffer).. nothing! Just pulling inward and shutting everything and everyone out. Those that have been truly depressed know what this feels like. To have no drive or incentive to pull your ass out of the abyss. What's the point right? I'm sick off feeling like I'm shoveling snow in a snow storm.

Today I feel like I took that vacation, abet it was a mini one. I helped (or at least I hope) dragged someone else out of the abyss. I saw what it looked like to give up and let the snow accumulate. Seeing all the damage it causes to give up, started a fire within me. I grabbed the shovel and made dents, and saw progresses. Taking on that endeavor, I feel myself seeing the light of day once again. I still wish I was not the way I am.. either all on or off. I need to find a happy medium! No I am not manic depressive, I just live in a world, time, situation that is not suited for who I am. Here I am making the best of it. Just need to keep swimming! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming... WHAT DO WE DO?.. SWIM, SWIM,SWIM!

(this pic makes me want a better vacation..swimming in Maui) 

So want a beautiful web!

This morning watching a spider build its web, I thought about how easy that spider has it. Nothing in it's way to create the perfect web. Its whole life is dependent on building the perfect home. I too feel this need to make things organized and perfected, but rain, wind, and every other element I can think of keeps pulling at my threads. Will keep at it.. someday I will feel the peace sitting in the middle of my lovely web!