Overwhelmed?

I feel like this most days! Putting out one fire after another. And God help me if the fire catches!

Emma playing (strangling) the dog.. dog bites her, she's now crying. Christian deciding to wrestle with Sam (which turns into a fight). Maddy leaving her door open, which in turn invites Emma to take her makeup. Emma who decided to take that makeup and paint a masterpiece on the wall, stairs and doors. Dane comes home to ask......"What's for dinner?"

Yes my house is insane most of the time. I try and try to make it a place that everyone wants to be with harmony. But right now.. here it comes, my favorite saying.. "IT IS WHAT IT IS."

I love them to death but it's hard! And I am not that person that can do it all, all of the time. Seriously I don't know a single person that can! 

Others have no right to judge, or offer unasked for advice on a situation that can not possibly be understood. Instead why not offer support, where ever it's needed. A nap, a meal, a shower, or sometimes just shoulder to cry on with an sympathetic ear. 

Remember from grade school sympathy is different from empathy. Just because you haven't gone through the same trials, doesn't mean you can't try to have sympathy. 

Why this rant? Because I have sympathy for a fellow mom. 

OlYMPIA — It’s an unthinkable crime, a mother accused of slitting the throats of her three young children.

http://q13fox.com/2015/01/26/detectives-say-olympia-mom-slashed-her-childrens-throats-because-she-wanted-them-to-stop-crying/

What this story does not tell is she is comes from a family of God. Her grandfather is very dear to me. He was the youth pastor when I came to God. It's easy to pick fingers as to why this happened... Postpartum, medication, alcohol, lack of support, ect. Instead of playing the blame game, we should forgive and pray for healing. Let God be at work! Playing the blame game, is satin's job. 

Exodus - Part the oceans

I would like nothing more than to have peaceful mornings with my precious toddler girl. Yet have 3 kids to get to school, and even then I'm held back to do fun things with Emma. This is supposed to be our time to visit libraries, feed ducks, go to the park, zoo, ect, ect.  Sorry Emma you will be strapped into a carseat for the majority of your morning. Your nap will come when and if i can.

Emma is precious along with other amazing adjectives, she is also SO tolerant bless her heart! Many mornings we are in the car waiting for one or more siblings to get their butt in gear. I try to make it fun with music or her favorite, honking the horn to get them to HURRY UP!!!!  But it's exhausting for both of us to say the least! 

4 kids - what the hell were we thinking!?? That's what others may say or think, but not us. We've been dealt a lot of difficulties that could not have been foretold. Every family is different w/ different challenges they must face. 

So I count my blessing that ALL four of my kids are physically healthy. The problems that we do face, God is there, and the perseverance he gives us, WILL not only get through these trials set before us but make them lessons we can pass on to others. This gives me purpose, hence why I blog (privately)  and share my experiences w/ other mothers. We are only ONE person,  but when we get together and collaborate we can make oceans part! 

21 Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lorddrove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, 22 and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground,with a wall of water on their right and on their left.

Self Care

By nature I can easily take care of someone and give good insights to what others need. But when it comes to taking care of myself I fall short (no pun intended). How do I make MYSELF happy, what does happiness even mean to me? I get so wrapped up in other peoples drama, problems, or accomplishments that I forget about myself. Heck, I even forget to eat some days. I become blind to my own needs, what ever they are. But in the end, when my ear has been bent, problem solved, I am left with myself. Who even is that? Is my cup half full, half empty? Often times I don't even know, I just feel MEH.

(edited from Giving Tree book)

Recently I read some advice that spoke volumes to me.

INFJ Counselor -

"Brandy, you have a precious little girl, she's about 3, and needs your protection and understanding. She may have been ignored and lied to for awhile, but she is always being forgotten, and needs some loving and attention. Do you think you can adopt her? Take care of her this year? Let her know you trust her and she can trust you? Good! Her name is Brandy. Don't forget about her...she's holding your hand right now." 

So much easier to take time to help myself when I look at myself this way. Yes, I can say "NO" to others and prioritize some time for her. Yes, I see her worthy. Yes, I would love to make her happy! But No, I will not talk to about myself in the third person. :) 

Dane would often say to me.... PUT YOUR OXYGEN MASK ON FIRST! It always seemed such a selfish thing to do. Logically I know it makes sense, because if you don't take care of yourself and passout, or in my case burnout, you are not able to take care of those that depend on you. But my thinking was always... Oh it takes 2 seconds, why not just put them first. But 2 seconds turn into 2 more, and then 2 more (4 kids ya know). Before you know it, the seemingly invisible help or advice everyone receives, is burned out. 

If I look at myself as someones daughter, mother, wife, who needs to be taken care of, I think I can do just that. I realize that if I take better care of myself and give myself insightful advice, I am able to stand lovingly take care of others. 

Oh happy day!

I'm flying, because she flew! 

Blogs

Neglecting this blog, working on my other. Lots of updates, and progress. 

Love suffers long

Today's sermon spoke to my heart and begs others to listen. Corinthians 13: 4 first-line... "LOVE IS PATIENT." When we are not patient with others, it does not reflect God's love. How many times has God been patient with us? Just a minute after we are forgiven we are bound to sin again. 

I always have good intentions that fall flat, and God forgives me and will always be patient with me. 

Being patient is always harder when we're under stress. Lack of sleep, time, money, etc. can easily make the best of us lose patients. I pray for patience several times throughout the day, I battle so many stresses that weigh me down. I also pray for those I love, to have patience with me. 

The other day Christian did not pop out of bed to get ready for school. I found him warm in bed with the covers over his head I pushed and pushed, got angry, and lost my patience. Then I gave it some time, gave up on getting him to school, and prayed for patience. All morning I assumed he was just being lazy and defiant. After patiently listening I learned he was upset about his great-grandpa's death the night before.

Being patient also means you get the whole story! Instead of just assuming you know what is what, ask. Be open and listen with an open heart and mind. What little YOU SEE of someone's life, is not their reality. Making judgments based on your view is not loving someone. Love is patient, love is kind! Ask and learn THEIR  truth. 

Love suffers long NKJV

(Patient - suffering)

Tenth Avenue North - Healing Begins 

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do so we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark, the light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find that the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now, we're here now, oh

Last memory

Last October I traveled to Salt Lake to celebrate Grandpa's 90th birthday. Only a few of the greats were there, they got restless in the house with a bunch of grown up. I took them out to play rake the crisp leaves. After we got a huge pile ready to jump in I told my nephews to get everyone. Grandma and Grandpa came out to watch the fun. The smile on Grandpa's face while enjoying the chaos of their greats playing, was the last great memory I will have of him.

Cry me a river

According to science, crying helps us to feel better. It triggers the release of the stress hormone cortisol and feel-good endorphins. For many people, crying can also help them identify and process their emotions, leading to a better understanding of how to improve their situation.

I feel like my eyes are burning and my head constantly hurts. The floodgates of pent-up emotion have opened, but I still struggle to understand and manage my feelings. I've helped those around me, but I can't seem to help myself.

Melissa Manchester - Don't cry out loud

Can remember my mom playing this song when I was a kid. Comes to mind whenever I have to hold back tears. 

Goodbye 2014

This past year I've done more inward evaluating, and assessing of myself and those that fit into my life than I've ever done before. I came to understand how my view of reality, my way of thinking, and my way of doing things were often times foreign to those around me. This understanding explained so much of why I felt so out of place at times. But I also learned that opening up to the people I love, those who love me no matter what showed me love has no boundaries.

Instead of New Year resolutions, I decided to reflect on what I've learned this year and carry it to 2015.

Making friends is hard for me. - I don't return phone calls, and I dread going out. Starbucks anyone?

Allie Brosh

Instincts - Trust my OWN.. not someone else's limited view of my reality!

This too shall pass / Just keep swimming - Time heals, changes, and delivers. Unfortunately, time seems to move very slowly when you're swimming upstream.

Forgiveness -  Easier said than done, but rewarding in the end. God calls us to forgive everyone.

Self Discovery - Scary to look into the darkness of my faults, and feel shitty. And even harder was it to accept that I am a good person because I try. I try hard to be a good mother, wife, and christian. I tend to put others first so I often repress my needs, which in turn builds a bubble of selfishness. What about MEEE! 

Allie Brosh

Skeletons - I let them out of the closet to dance freely... Feels GOOD! God helped, with this burden.

It doesn't matter what other people think!   - Not just a lesson I learned, I'm actively passing this on to my children! I

I am a sinner - So are YOU! 

I need God every day! - Daily devotions give me guidance.

Favorite Books 2014

Stephen King - On Writing

Quiet - Susan Cain

Sam - "Can you give me a dream?" - Time machine

Titanic Rescue

Grabbing the mail like we do every morning, you didn't expect a letter with your name on it. The letter simply had The Justice League emblem and a handwritten: "You have the decision to make."
Once at the park, you waited until I was enjoying my book and slipped away. Remembering how just a few months ago you were asked to join the League, you once again found the secret door. All members of the Justice League were sitting around the big round table. Everyone's attention was on a big box in the center of the room.
Superman spoke up. "Sam we created a time machine, but we could not agree on where or when to try it out." "The decision we need you to make... What point in history do you want to go back to to save people?"
Superman flew up trying to get the captain's attention, the iceberg was approaching at lightning speed. Flash tried treading water to slow the ship. Green Lantern blasted a beam of light at the solid iceberg but it was too late the ship crashed right into it. The sound of metal ripping deafened us all.
Superman tried over and over, diving down to the large gash in an attempt to fix it. You Sam, tried calming all the people on board, telling them the League was there to save them. But the ship was quickly sinking and all of their efforts were in vain... the ocean was just too powerful. Fear for everyone on board started to sink into your gut.
The ship broke in half and began to sink, history was not bending to their will. The Justice League tried their hardest to save as many people as they could. You looked over and saw the time machine slide off the deck and splash into the water. Bobbing up and down, you knew it would soon begin to sink.
Once again you had to make a tough decision. Stay and save just a few and be stuck here forever, or go back to the present and save many. You called out to the Justice League to get into the time machine before it was too late. Superman, Hulk, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Flash, Batman, there is no time to waste we have to GO!
Once home Superman spoke up...
"There is no way to change the past." "We have to focus on the here and now!" When we focus our efforts on the past we take away ourselves from the present."