Present in the hear and now!

An exert from my vacation post I'm still working on...

After a stressful, tearful TSA experience without my daughter, AND finding out my flight to SNA was canceled! I started over at PDX to hopefully get another ticket and meet the rest of my family. 

I'm not a seasoned traveler. So with a ton of stress, I panicked, worried I would not get on a flight out! Will that guy three rows ahead get the last ticket? What about that family? Hmm... I don't see any Disney swag, they might be safe. My head was swarming with "What if's." I did manage to get a few rows up by asking politely to cut, they could tell I was stressed wanting to get to my family. But politeness doesn't get you that far when everyone else is in the same boat. I then became mindful and slowed down. My anxiety began to wane. I found people-watching at the airport helped get my mind off the "What if's" and I was able to be present in the moment and not stuck in my swimming head. I made good memories in that line! With thoughts of our new puppy at home with Grandma, I turned my attention to the many companion dogs. There was a Doodle puppy who was not being properly trained. Treats to get him/her to stop barking just re-enforces the habit...it barked a lot and peed. The poor owner was clearly stressed out and embarrassed. A German Sheppard puppy with floppy ears flying cargo. He was having a great conversation with the Doodle pup 😆. A spoiled Cavalier-Spaniel flying cargo for the first time. She had a teen owner with Dad and brothers going to enjoy the sun. The San Fransico rescue that was part Lhaso Apso part Havanese (Hava-Apso) SPOILED rotten that old pup.  The family of redheads, whose little boy really wanted a German Sheppard puppy. The extremely grumpy guy who had to borrow tape at the ticket counter to close his package, I hope your day got better! 

Being stuck overnight in an airport must SUCK! A lot of that line consisted of that. They all just wanted to get home for the holidays! And I just wanted to meet my family safely in California!!!

spoon therory

On this day Christian ran out of spoons 😔. Had to stop and retreat...but he then apologized the next day and he got back on the horse again with college essays. I am extremely proud of my boy...I mean manchild 🤗 You try doing 2 essays a day with one arm tied behind your back!! The OCD monster is a B*TCH. 

Spoon theory - Wikipedia

Too fast!!!

I'd be mad too! Mom (me, myself, and I) said we would go to do something today now it's been scheduled for tomorrow if I can, then I got "squirreled" doing something else. That doesn't mean that I don't love him. Sigh...can everyone in this family give me a HOT MINUTE to get everyone on the same page!!!

A conundrum I can type, however, I don't like the pressure. UGGG he's taking a speed run course on nutrition. Great subject to study, but not so great when he suffers from OCD. But hey we're learning a lot of great info! He dictates I type.

Our next family member! I hope!!

 

God's perfect plan. We met this little boy last night. The lady who met with us said that she was once assaulted while showing her puppies, so she now meets in public places. What is wrong with people these days? Back to happy thoughts...Seeing her smile again, that's what everyone's looking forward to!!!

My dad... (draft)

Everyone knows my dad at a difference glance within the kaleidoscope.  I hope to hear more of who my dads was here today. 

For me, I don't remember much before I was 10. Just bits and pieces before he and my moms divorce. I think I blocked it all out considering the hurt at the time. The next 10 years I spent with my mom and step father. Summers I would come to visit. We always made the trip to Dland and my beloved In-N-Out Burger. He'd always complain I ate him out of house and home... duh I was a teenager. And Sash would always take me under her wing to hang out and  just chill. 

When my oldest was born I was so proud to introduce his first grandson. I took video of him and Christian in our living room practicing on how to crawl. I remember that feeling like it was yesterday! 

(find this video/pics)

Again, 2 years later he was here to watch Maddy crawl for the first time. 

(ditto)

The most common memory is the greeting at the airport.. and the saying goodbye at the airport. Which honestly makes me the most sad. I know you're supposed to be upbeat about someones life. But what about telling everyone you care about TODAY you matter to me all the time!!!

Feelings at Dads funeral. (draft still working on it)

 I haven't posted since my dads death. I often do this on my blog... retreat, post then retreat again. It's my decision I don't have to write, no one expects me to. Yet.. it pulls me back. I feel a pull to write This pull doesn't connect me to others as I don't allow comments. It's more of a pull to write in a space that others and experience and feel what they feel. I often look back at old family videos and feel an intense love! But those same videos won't feel a inch of love from those who don't have connection to us. BECAUSE we're all becoming disconnected,,  more so now then ever. 

Christian the graduate... created in Canva!

 

OCD, no it isn’t about being a “neat freak”. #ocdrecovery

(istock photo)

I now often wonder if my parenting has directly impacted my son's diagnosis of OCD. Let me walk you back in time... When he was a little guy, he'd help me clean (cleaning is fun when you're a kid, LOL). For example, I'll use cleaning the bathroom. A place where he'll often get stuck while doing OCD compulsions. We'd clean the floor, my side would be spotless, his side well... "Good job, but let's get it just a little bit cleaner." Fast forward to years of perfectionism while in deep despair, he was diagnosed with severe OCD.
How does one get categorized with severe rather than run-of-the-mill OCD? I didn't know either! It's a point system in the DSM(the big book of what's mentally wrong w/ people). The more time spent on compulsions that disrupt your life, the higher you're categorized. My son would spend 3 or more HOURS stuck in that bathroom every night torturing himself! And if his compulsions got him stuck in the middle of the day, keep in mind we have ONE bathroom! But hey! We got to know our neighbors quite well LOL. Thinking back, I really should have used that time to drop seeds of Jesus in their living rooms while waiting for little Emma to pee. ;)
Today we're in a better place thanks to medication and a lot of weekly therapy. It didn't go so smoothly at first, as you can imagine. There were a lot of tears, both his and mine. I am also thankful for my amazing husband, who often had to take charge and Papa bear him to make it to those early therapy appointments. Imagine staying up all night with compulsions, only to have to turn around after just drifting off to sleep to attend a much HATED ERP (exposure and response therapy ((think torture and do nothing about it)).
I'll end this post on a funny note because the picture of our messy lives isn't always just doom and gloom. During one ERP session, the therapist took him into the neighborhood of a downtown city block. The goal was to touch as many germy gross objects and not wash hands for half the day. I know gross, but the chances of getting sick were low, and it was more important to get his life back than to worry about getting sick. Towards the end of the walk, she instructed him to touch a dumpster. As he reached out... OUT POPPED A HOMELESS DUDE! He didn't expect to get two exposures in one!!!

It’s like you have two brains – a rational brain and an irrational brain. And they’re constantly fighting.

– Emilie Ford 

You will be missed Murphy!

Last night our beloved pet rabbit Murphy passed away. He was THE BEST, most chill rabbit ever!! R.I.P. our little cotton ball. See ya on the other side!

Celebration of life

 

This was hard day to get through as it was biter sweet. Hard to say goodbye but so thankful for all the memories that family and friends shared of my dad. I have learned so much more about him from others points of views. And as I sit here watching the littles play in the hotel pool, I see that he is in them! Like silly nature of Sam who like my dad liked to live in the future looking for the next adventure or the next BIG fish to catch. 

Light at the end of the tunnel

Gradates in the year 2020 and 2021 faced many huddles the past year. Christian on the other hand took the past year in stride. Re-wind a bit .. School always came easy to him a straight A student.  First to memorize times tables in his class, homework done promptly after school, perfect scores, teachers praised. Christian was due to graduate last year class of 2020 with friends and soccer mates glued together. But that road flashed a road block.. OCD.  There was about a two year period where we as a family took detour after detour. There were many tearful days and nights where we had nothing to see the end of the tunnel yet and to hang on tight...God's light was there we just had to have faith! Like the amazing student his is, once we found the correct path, he diligently followed. The way he came to this accomplishment reminds me that the way we reach our goals, is not always the way we envision it to pass. Knowing that God's plan is perfect, gives me peace to know MY greatest gifts to this world are guided by Him. 

Goodbye for now. I love you dad!

I got that call, then dropped and folded into myself. It felt like someone was ripping a piece of my heart. I had to protect it, hold my heart inside my body. Ran outside and held onto a chair to keep me from falling to the ground. Then I looked up, pleading for it all to stop...I was not ready! My chest heaved violently, couldn't catch a breath. I felt as though my heart might rip in two. Why was I having such a crippling reaction to my dad's death? I never felt that close to him but that's what I realized, I wanted so much more with him! Always had that pull that needed him! I've had a rough 10 years with kids, marriage, and life in general. He was always so understanding and open to listening. Our relationship had evolved to an understanding that his divorce from my mom was never divorce from me. Of course, it took me having my own trials and tribulations to realize the relationship I could have with my dad depended a lot on me letting go of the past. I know I will see him again! No tears will fill my eyes, just joy, and peace. Until then, I'll keep all the good memories I had of him tucked close to my heart! 

Hazardous air conditions - Oregon Wildfires.

 

You know that feeling when standing around the campfire, you move and the windy smoke follows. UUGGG that's what it feels like when you walk out the front door, you can't escape the stifling smoke! We have the most hazardous air conditions WORLD WIDE. Therefore we have all the animals in the house...1 Dog, 3 Cats, and a Rabbit. I don't know which is worse the smoke smell outside or the barn stink inside! 

Portland Back the Blue

 

Awesome picture of an Oregon State Trooper in front of a "Back the Blue" billboard in downtown Portland. Unfortunately, this alliance with Portland Police did not last long, thanks to our DA announcing he will not prosecute rioters. 

What's your John Wayne moment?

M* had her "John Wayne" moment this afternoon. What do I mean by John Wayne moment? Well 2020 has brought a number of tragedies into people lives... COVID-19 pandemic, shut down of schools, loss of jobs, protests, social justice, and the latest cancel culture. But some event will affect someone to the core. Dane one night came to me in a tantrum like state, "That's it they've gone too far!" Followed by an emotional "They took John Wayne down.... at the John Wayne Airport, they took down his statue and are renaming the airport!" Being a huge western movie fan this shook him to the core. Every time we traveled to Disney we would visit the statue and take pictures.

For my Grandma L*, I imagine her moment was the threat to cancel the play Hamilton. For her 90th birthday she was treated to a showing of the play with her closest friend. I listened to her play that soundtrack over and over again last time I visited her. Me, having never been to the play, I was sure to watch when it came out on Disney+ last week (better late then never)!

So what was M* John Wayne moment?  At Starbucks drive-thru this afternoon I ordered her usual Pink Drink w/o the berries. EEEk they were all out of the main ingredient (Strawberry Acia). Not only were they locally out of this ingredient, ALL Starbucks in our area were not getting any new shipments. Nope, she didn't order an alternative drink, we tried our luck to scavenge a Pink Drink from MANY locations only to hear they too did not receive everyones beloved strawberry mix. Her go to response.. "I hate 2020!" First world problems..... it's a real thing!

https://www.hungry-girl.com/go-to-guides/four-things-starbucks-pink-drink

*note find personal pictures from our trip

School Sucks!

Email received today - 

Last night the School Board met to think about a range of possible models for reopening schools this fall. Obviously the COVID-19 outbreak poses a rapidly-changing situation that will require a plan for schools that is flexible. At this point, our budget is unknown and we are still waiting to hear whether there will be federal or state assistance to lessen the impact of funding cuts.

To protect the health of our students and staff, the plan we create for each school must adhere to guidance from the Centers for Disease Control, the Oregon Health Authority, the Governor’s direction, and Oregon Department of Education guidance. Currently we are looking at three types of operating models for fall.

Hybrid Learning Model

This model gives every student some classroom instruction and some learning at home. It allows schools to follow social distancing guidelines and limit cohort intermingling while providing access to teachers and classroom materials.

Students would be divided into cohort groups, with one of these schedule types:

• Cohorts alternate days, half weeks, or weeks: For example, Cohort A attends school on Monday, while Cohort B learns at home. On Tuesday, they switch. Or cohort A attends school the first week while Cohort B does distance learning. The following week they switch.

• Cohorts alternate on a morning/afternoon daily schedule: Cohort A attends school from 8 to 11 a.m. and learns at home from noon to 3 p.m. Cohort B does distance learning from 8 to 11 a.m., and attends school from 1 to 3 p.m.

• Cohort schedules vary by grade level: For example, some elementary students attend school daily, while secondary students alternate days/weeks or morning/afternoon.

Note: Under any of these schedule types, the school will be thoroughly cleaned between cohorts.

When an outbreak of COVID-19 requires a school building to temporarily close, this model would shift Distance Learning to allow continuity of on-going classes and lessons. Then students would shift back to a mix of classroom and distance learning as the situation allows.

Comprehensive Distance Learning

This model could be used for all students if the state does not allow return to classrooms due to the spread of COVID-19. Education might include a mix of live and pre-recorded video instruction, along with online sessions for students to get academic support and social engagement from teachers and peers. Direct instruction could be enhanced using an online curriculum. Elementary families preferring paper packets could have regular pickup and dropoff times.

Full Return to Classroom Instruction

This model would only be possible if state health and social distancing mandates can be met in the school buildings we have. Reducing the spread of COVID-19 will require minimizing the number of different people with whom students and staff intermingle.  We would need to create “stable cohorts,” which resemble the elementary class model, but are very different from the typical secondary school model.

Given current guidance from health and education authorities as well as recent trends in COVID 19 diagnoses, we do not expect a full return to schools in September.

While these three models are just broad outlines of the possibilities, we welcome your input as we continue the planning process. Please email your thoughts, questions, and concerns to XXXX

2020 Quarantine - Day 11

 

Christian was born on April 9th, 2001, at 5 months old, I sat glued to the TV watching 9-11 unfold. Everyone mourned and came together during an uncertain and scary time.  Fast forward 18 years. This June is another monumental event that will be forever clouded by a world shutting down and mourning.

Precept to live by

I preach this motto to my kids often when they smart-mouth their siblings. Watching this movie tonight makes me wish, pray for more ppl to get this concept! This train of thought would make our world such a better place! Next time you feel you have to "win"  at politics, relationships, faith, etc.. etc.. etc... Give this precept a chance to transform your words and actions! We all have our worldviews. The phrase "Walk a mile in their shoes" should be reviewed often. It's up to us parents to change the future with purpose and love. 

When you have silence.. do you smile or cry?

When you have silence it's hard to keep stuff out! I can't say which is better, the silence or the rushing to keep things in order, to keep things from falling apart. I'm either running, rushing about, or have my life at a complete standstill in which I have only one thing to do, contemplate.

Smile

Music by Charles Chaplin, Lyrics by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just Smile. 

Patchin it, for Ambyopia

Emma is loving this new patch we got for her lazy eye! As you can see she has her own sense of style, and it works! Another kid in her Preschool also has Amblyopia, so the school celebrated a "Pirate Patch Day" for the two of them!" Everyone in the two classes wore eye patches! ARRRG!!!

Facts About Amblyopia

Amblyopia can result from any condition that prevents the eye from focusing clearly. Amblyopia can be caused by the misalignment of the two eyes—a condition called strabismus. With strabismus, the eyes can cross in (esotropia) or turn out (exotropia). Occasionally, amblyopia is caused by a clouding of the front part of the eye, a condition called cataract.

A common cause of amblyopia is the inability of one eye to focus as well as the other one. Amblyopia can occur when one eye is more nearsighted, more farsighted, or has more astigmatism. These terms refer to the ability of the eye to focus light on the retina. Farsightedness, or hyperopia, occurs when the distance from the front to the back of the eye is too short. Eyes that are farsighted tend to focus better at a distance but have more difficulty focusing on near objects. Nearsightedness, or myopia, occurs when the eye is too long from front to back. Eyes with nearsightedness tend to focus better on near objects. Eyes with astigmatism have difficulty focusing on far and near objects because of their irregular shape.