Perfectionism

This week Christian failed in his eyes. Receiving his first C in his adv bio class has proved to be the end of the world. This takes me back to the time he would obsess about laying his train tracks out in perfect order taking his sweet time. Then having a complete meltdown when his baby sister would remove a piece of track, finding a new button to push begging to get his attention.

Summit ahead, or another peak to climb?

Nah.. I know there will be many peaks and valleys. 

I love this time at night when I can just breathe, and finally analyze the day from all the different angle I've had to juggle. Sometimes I take this time to research things that have plagued my mind, other times I just feel like turning the day off by watching a movie or reading. It depends on how selfish I am, the more of myself I have lost the more I feel like diving into another world. Today like most days I was extremely busy, but unlike most days today felt more hopeful. You see most days I feel like one step forward two steps back.

Today felt like there was actual hope to not only to make a difference, but see someone else take one, two, three steps forward! I'm not only once again hopeful.. but also feeling prideful.  

I am free, are you?

True true! Ask for forgiveness, repent, and turn a new leaf. OR... you can keep digging to make your hole big enough for you and those that refuse to see the light themselves. I've felt the pain of what secrets do, they dig a fester like worms in a dark hole. A hole is what your in. The sooner you climb out and face the blinding truth, the sooner you can feel the sun's warmth.We're all human and make mistakes, own them! Huddle all you want, but eventually you'll be blinded by the light being kicked and pulled, in this life or the next. Be gracious, climb out on your own! I did,

Another laptop bites the dust

I miss blogging!

Two screens broken in one week! Our TV and my laptop. 

If you're attacked by a shark... hit them in the nose! And KEEP SWIMMING!

Over and over again I feel the shoreline is out there, albeit far away I still swim. Even though I continue getting pulled down defeating what little headway I made.

ie..

Sam's temper sends everyone else's temper into hot water. Aside from Emma who wallows in the shallows.

Emma can easily create a frenzy that we all fail to recognize till it's too late.

M who shall not be named - fails to acknowledge others, sending us to the deep end, and back, and back, and back again.

Christian who knows all, mocks any headway accomplished.

All the while, we parents are trying to find the safest, fastest, most prudent course to shore. No time now for character lectures! We're all flawed as our trials have proven. Our family can and will learn lessons on the cusp of sharp teeth.

So not only will we all survive, we'll look back on this journey as a family laughing in the face of adversity. We'll finally crawl on to land, breath a deep sigh of relief, and enjoy a coconut that Sam has volunteered to crack open for us all to share.

*Sam always insists on buying a coconut at the store so he can later whack it with a hammer! Good skill to have, if we ever wash up on shore!

Bandaids won't heal bullet holes

People need to understand when a relationship is too broken to fix
there will never be not enough time, words or acceptance
salvage what is good and heal what is important
accept the ugly scars that remain.

Forecast seems grim today, see things coming to a head

Too many times though, after everything is said and done, we knew where those twists and turns would ultimately take us, and all too often, it isn’t anywhere nice or comforting but rather, it is a prison of emotional death.

https://beyondthepolicyoftruth.wordpress.com/2015/11/05/why-being-an-infj-is-so-difficult/

Just one moment

Had a moment of depression today, a feeling of complete hopelessness. I only got to wallow in it for a short moment. I wish I could have stayed in that moment a little longer, to work through it and figure things out. But no, I'm not allowed sit in despair, I'm a mom!
A big thank you to three acquaintances today who became my friends. Having no one to talk to is always the worst!

Life is drawing without an eraser - John W. Gardner

I wish I could weave back through time and erase myself from so many peoples lives. My mark is permanent, with no foreseen formula to make it beautiful.

Poem to follow. 

An enigma

Hence why my blog some months have an entry everyday and others have maybe one. I'm constantly writing in my mind, things I want to get out, things I want to remember, things I wish I could forget. But sometimes I just don't have it in me and I suppress it all, letting it eat me up inside. Pain sometimes feels good, and I wallow in it all by myself. 

Tantrums!!!

(You'r already FIRED!!!)

This morning Sam fired me for bringing him the wrong size pants! Seriously??

"Oh Sam what was I thinking, how terribly thoughtless of me!" "I had no idea how sensitive you were to over-sized pants."

One minute he is a happy go lucky kid going on about the gravitational pull of other planets, and in spit second something goes wrong in his little world..... KAABOOOM!

Back to shoveling snow in my snow storm!

My dream vacation is not Maui or Disneyland (although we are going in -9 days whoo-hoo). No, my dream vacation would be a third world country with a village in need of help. I would love to not only teach our kids the many blessing they have but also humble my own heart. To help others in need would fill a purpose in me that I feel I'm missing in life. I have done little things though out my adult life to help others in need, but always feel I fall flat. I'm either all in or I pull inward to a lazy selfish existence which ends up sucking me down into depression.

Lately I've been utterly depressed! Loathing my life and feeling exhausted. I have been shutting down. Neglecting Facebook (no one cares), no reading (my imagination suffers), no researching (my brain suffers), no blogging (my sanity suffers), no forward parenting (my 4 kids suffer).. nothing! Just pulling inward and shutting everything and everyone out. Those that have been truly depressed know what this feels like. To have no drive or incentive to pull your ass out of the abyss. What's the point right? I'm sick off feeling like I'm shoveling snow in a snow storm.

Today I feel like I took that vacation, abet it was a mini one. I helped (or at least I hope) dragged someone else out of the abyss. I saw what it looked like to give up and let the snow accumulate. Seeing all the damage it causes to give up, started a fire within me. I grabbed the shovel and made dents, and saw progresses. Taking on that endeavor, I feel myself seeing the light of day once again. I still wish I was not the way I am.. either all on or off. I need to find a happy medium! No I am not manic depressive, I just live in a world, time, situation that is not suited for who I am. Here I am making the best of it. Just need to keep swimming! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming... WHAT DO WE DO?.. SWIM, SWIM,SWIM!

(this pic makes me want a better vacation..swimming in Maui) 

Your my best friend

You know when you walk in the door and everything is clean, including the dust off the washer and dryer, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I want nothing more than the happily ever after that we promised each other 20 years ago. But I also know God does not work like that. There will be obstacles to learn from.. hurdles that seem too high, canyons that are too wide, teenagers and toddlers that just don't give a f* about the relationship that mom and dad strive to keep hot. But it's OUR relationship, and we are the only ones that can keep it loved!

But hey looks like we're on the upswing... You know me, I love my research!

Our little rainbow turned out to be such a blessing! Even when I'm upset with you or you with I, she reminds us both how easy it is to just love! How can I not be happy feeling our daughter's excitement when you walk in the door! "Da-Da home"! *Not to say that the other kids don't give me warm and fuzzy feelings too, just that I have to PULL it out of them. ;)

One more just for fun.. as I'm always blogging just before bed with a little one sleeping next to me. I COULD be sleeping... 

Hopeless Romantic

He's and idealist, I'm a realist. How do we fit together, we just do. Unless we fight who we are both with each other and with ourselves.

Pesky 5lbs

According to this.. and what I know looks good in a dressing room 3 way mirror, I need to loose 5 lbs. I'm curvy by nature, and don't want to give that up! However, I'd like to shed some inches off my pear shape.

When you only 5 ft tall, 5 lbs squishes in a lot of places. :(  I HATE excising, and have never really committed to a regiment in all my life. So I figure I'll make little changes. Skip eating Hershey chocolate bars at night, doing sets of 20 squats randomly through out the day, enduring walks with my inquisitive kids, eating my morning nurta bullet.....

What if?

My mom always explained me as a child that said.. 

What if?

The day was planned with a picnic....

What if it rains? 

What if there are ants?

I feel the tenor in the air, and think of all the possible outcomes. And of course my mind thinks first of the worst scenarios! However if it doesn't come to pass, I've missed out on all the beauty and sunshine. 

I feel a storm coming....

http://blaine.org/sevenimpossiblethings/?p=1884

“‘What if it rains? Well, then, we’ll be pirates on a ship,
in a ghastly gale, looking for buried treasures.'”

Fragile body, big heart and soul

Nothing like viewing your life insurance policy and a trip to the ER to realize your mortality. Life is short, live it to the fullest!

A front porch swing is meant for two! 

Get well soon my little rainbow!

Pneumonia is worse, and now she has double ear infections. But look at that smile.. she is one tough cookie! Hope the stronger antibiotics will kick it!

(antibiotic resistance)

Loss for words

Pic: http://rkvc.net/tag/inner-thoughts/

I am constantly writing in my head. Thoughts flow, get interrupted, and are lost forever. I have so much I need to release, yet stay locked inside. It eats at me, devouring pieces I'll never get to see. My feelings needful to bleed onto paper, hemorrhage inside. Little by little I lose myself.

Not enough air!!

We have a broken drainage pipe under our house, DH is planning fixing/replacing the pipe next weekend. Even though it's not me that will be crawling and working in this small space, I am FREAKING out! I don't do well in small spaces. While in a packed elevator I want to scream that everyone is breathing MY AIR!
I'm thankful he will be the one going under the house for who knows how many hours. But it still pains me to think of how horrible it will be. I hope I will at least be of some help... I'll hose him off in the backyard when done. :)