My dream vacation is not Maui or Disneyland (although we are going in -9 days whoo-hoo). No, my dream vacation would be a third world country with a village in need of help. I would love to not only teach our kids the many blessing they have but also humble my own heart. To help others in need would fill a purpose in me that I feel I'm missing in life. I have done little things though out my adult life to help others in need, but always feel I fall flat. I'm either all in or I pull inward to a lazy selfish existence which ends up sucking me down into depression.
Lately I've been utterly depressed! Loathing my life and feeling exhausted. I have been shutting down. Neglecting Facebook (no one cares), no reading (my imagination suffers), no researching (my brain suffers), no blogging (my sanity suffers), no forward parenting (my 4 kids suffer).. nothing! Just pulling inward and shutting everything and everyone out. Those that have been truly depressed know what this feels like. To have no drive or incentive to pull your ass out of the abyss. What's the point right? I'm sick off feeling like I'm shoveling snow in a snow storm.
Today I feel like I took that vacation, abet it was a mini one. I helped (or at least I hope) dragged someone else out of the abyss. I saw what it looked like to give up and let the snow accumulate. Seeing all the damage it causes to give up, started a fire within me. I grabbed the shovel and made dents, and saw progresses. Taking on that endeavor, I feel myself seeing the light of day once again. I still wish I was not the way I am.. either all on or off. I need to find a happy medium! No I am not manic depressive, I just live in a world, time, situation that is not suited for who I am. Here I am making the best of it. Just need to keep swimming! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming... WHAT DO WE DO?.. SWIM, SWIM,SWIM!
(this pic makes me want a better vacation..swimming in Maui)
