Why I blog?

Those that know me well noticed I haven't blogged in a long time and know why. For those that don't, I'll clue you in. When I'm busy, stressed or down I tend to keep everything in. But then I get sick of the insistent chatter in my mind and crave this outlet.

I don't have friends that I open up to. I share with my husband, my mom and my therapist. Friends never seem to work out for me. I have lots of surface friends which are great to call upon if I need them or they need me. But have yet to find someone to have a that "BFF" relationship with. It's understandable though, those relationships are hard to come by. Someone you can be yourself around and trust. I don't like parties, clubs, shopping, and "girls night out." I'm more of a "lets get coffee and chat, or go see a movie together" kind of friend (not very exciting).

Back to my rambling regarding my blog. I love writing and creating to explain what I make sense of this life. There's so much more to life than just what's on the surface. I'm more than just a mom, but that duty I take very seriously. If / when my kids read my blog I want them to see more than just "mom" stuff. I want them to see someone who is not afraid to be themselves! Not just see a blog that showcases highlights and hides the rest (they'll get enough of that from Facebook). I am who I am, not just.."I am my kids' mom." They know I'm not perfect (LOL), someday they may actually relate to some of my joys and trials.

I think a lot, A LOT! Evaluating thoughts and feelings of everyone around me all the time. With my family, it's like a chess game to keep everyone happy. Having 4  kids w/ 4 very different personalities it is a very difficult game to play. Even though I am very good at understanding and predicting what's going on w/ my kids, I can't always control outcomes (hence is life).

As for myself, I am horrible at understanding my feelings and actions. However, when I sit and write things become clear. I can then see myself from many angles based on my audience, and then all of a sudden I can hear what advice or point of view they would have.  Also, it helps putting words out there, getting things off my packed mind. Obviously I don't post everything I write, as I don't want to scare, bore, or embarrass myself or others.

Writing is telepathy*! Simple as that. No, you can not read what someone is thinking, but rather paint the picture in their head, hence you now know what they are seeing. How cool is that! Problem with crafting poems, stories, and blog posts on my feelings, is it's impossible (although I try my best) to paint a clear enough picture. There are too many spots for my readers to fill in their own blanks. And since they don't know me well enough, the picture they often get is WRONG! :( But I'll continue on anyways, because I'm learning not to care what others think of me and to just be myself! Those that really understand who I really am, I hold dear.

So love me or hate me... If your reading this, I'm on your mind!

Know I am human and make mistakes.
Know I am Christian and am forgiven.
Know I am my kids' mom, no one love them like I do.
Know I am a perfectionist, who does not settle.
Know I am smart, love researching and expanding my interests.
Know I like solitude, but miss you when I'm gone.
Know I am social, but don't like superficial nonsense.
Know I am not scatterbrained, just lack paying attention to details.
Know I am open minded, but am difficult to change my mind.
Know I am warm hearted, not sensitive and fragile.
Know I am petite, but strong willed.
Know I love who I am!

*Stephen King - What Writing Is  http://user101.tccc.cc.nc.us/Swood/111/KingonWriting.htm